May be It's such a very lame excuse????

Minggu ni minggu yang penuh cerita..minggu yang penuh derita dan duka melara jiwa...Isnin, orientation with new ward that we posted. nothing much happen on that day..Selasa, I got new patient. Henoch-schonlein purpura. I come to the ward quite early and wanted to clerk the patient. but the guardian quite reluctant because before I come, 2 groups of medical students had come to examine the child etc...Then, few of other medical students, come to clerk the mother and now, I come..So, it's ok for me then and i always can come other time to clerk. Then, I've ward round with Dr Anna and finished around 12.30 something. At the afternoon, I got series of lectures aka seminars regarding blood transfusion and it end around 4.30 pm. After that, I rushing for on-call and finished around 6.00 pm. Actually I stay at the ward hoping able to clerk the HSP patient. Yet, I saw in the ward, 1 of my colluage just finished clerking the patient said he want to present the case for tomorrow ward round (although actually they does not have round), so for sure the mother will be refused to be clerked again...

Next day, after weekly wednesday morning CME, I went to the ward yet the round not started yet. I went to the patient room yet he was not there. I come few times but still not there. Then, I followed weekly gastro meeting and leaved around 1015 am for my tutorial at 1015 and the tutorial finished around 1240. In the afternoon, I got prescribing workshop at 1.30 pm and it end around 5.45 pm.

On the Thursday morning, all went wrong..It started with POD class in the morning. Suddenly, Prof asking whose on call last night and asking all the new admissions. Next, he started picked few patients from each ward. Started with P6. Yet, the all the patients he wanted was not covered. Those covering P6 that they never heard the name of any of patients that Prof mentioned. Then, Prof started become bad mood. Actually, the patients mentioned was not admitted to the ward but they just come to Daycare and somehow Prof get the name thinking that they are in P6. Hmmm....

Next, my ward.P4. Suddenly Prof mentioned the name of the HSP patient which allocated to me. I informed Prof that I didn't manage to clerk the patients because mother keep refusing and not in their room every times I come..Prof really become irritated with my excuse. Then, he mentioned another patient. All of us actually doesn't know who the patient is. So, Prof become REALLY, REALLY MAD, asked us to send full case summary of the patient by tomorrow 8.00 am at and just left the seminar room and class cancel. And I believed that some of my classmates pointing the fault to us who not covering the ward. Actually, the patient admitted at arund 1200 noon while we still have tutorial and having whole evening prescribing workshop on the previous day. I admit, it was our fault for not coming at night to cover the ward but sincerely, I'm not that kind of hardworking student who staying in the ward 24/7..I'm just like other student who also need some rest at night after a very packed day and preparing for the next classes. And sincerely, we also wanted to cover the patient after the class. Yet, nothing can be said anymore...

When, Prof leaving the room, seriously I heart seemed numb with a mixture of feelings. Sad, guilty, stress, mad, depressed. sad and guilt for not doing our job. Stress for being "blamed" by others, mad since Prof seemed doesn't know what the reason was behind it, depressed for staring the day with such situation etc...

Aku hampir2 menitiskan air mata bila benda tu berlaku. Aku hanya mampu berdiam seolah2 tiada perasaan. Kaki rasa berat, tak larat nak buat itu ini. Rasa nak jmp psychiatrist minta antidepressant jer. Then, ktorg ke ward utk cover patient tapi sister lak marah sebab tak follow round. So, follow round, cover patient 2 utk buat case summary etc. Habis around pkul 1.15. So, aku terus je ambil wuduk and solat. Seriously, time solat aku menitiskan air mata esp time sujud 2, and after solat aku seolah2 dapat ketenangan balik. Seriously, dah lama aku x dpt ketenangan mcm ni past solat. Dulu, masa kecik2 bila past ambil wuduk and solat, hati ni mesti rasa lain, lebih tenang dan sebagainya. Bila dah besar, benda 2 makin pudar...Mungkin hati ni makin jahat, jahil, tak kusyuk solat etc. Tapi, syukur Alhamdulillah, Allah bagi aku ketenangan lepas solat tu, bagi aku kekuatan. Yup, Innallahu ma'ana..